The summer didn’t go quite the way I planned. I thought I would write the novel follow up to The Second Sex – I didn’t. I also thought I’d be doing more mom stuff, but these kids have camps and friends and all kinds of things. I’m becoming vestigial. I did take a lot of time to think and plan and reflect though, sometimes while floating in the pool, so it hasn’t been a waste.
I’ve also had a lot of mental health stuff come up, mostly good, some tiring, but it’s really helped me put things in perspective. I’m doing more, I’m out more, I’m feeling better, but it takes a toll. I haven’t been writing but I’m ready to, I’m recharged.
So what goes into the proper care and maintenance of this author? Well, I’m trying a few things.
I’m working with a great psychologist but am going to restart my search for a better therapist. Someone who will push me more, call me out on my bull shit. My current therapist is okay and nice, but man, I can spin her in circles and avoid topics if I don’t watch myself and most of the time I don’t even realize I’ve done it until after the appointment. Its a kind of pathology of avoidance and I really don’t mean to, but I need a therapist who can see it and say – hey, dumbass, back to the topic.
I’ve started working with a personal training program that has a medical professional on site and who does regular evaluations. They are completely on board with trying to find a way to stop the cycle which has been sabotaging my efforts to be more active. Basically what happens is my heart-rate goes up and my big fat liar of a brain decides I’m having a panic attack. And then I have a panic attack. Right now I’m limited to 15 minutes of Daily Burn in my living room maybe 2ce a week, but sometimes even that will throw me over the edge and into breakdown mode. To be working with a trainer and a medical person to monitor my heart rate as I exercise, watch for warning signs and develop a plan for what I CAN do and what my options are is exciting. I mean, maybe I’m just doing the wrong exercises, maybe I can’t do cardio like I used to, but I don’t know what else to do, so a creative team to help is really awesome.
I’m also dedicating more time and energy to my marriage, not that it’s suffered, not that there’s anything wrong, just that we’re tired and parents and he works so hard taking care of all of us. So we’re signing up for a class together, attendance not mandatory so no harm if we skip a week, but a little dedicated time just the two of us. Now to see if we can convince the kids to put themselves to bed while we’re out!
I’m looking forward to fall, to the release of a new novel, writing the second book in the series, a new collaboration with another sci-fi author, and the personal care. The writing, the maintenance of my art is essential too. I need it, it feeds me and I’m not quite a whole person without it. With school starting again soon, My focus will be on finding balance, taking care of my phone person, and feeding my relationships. If you’re reading this, I mean you too.